Let's start with a caution: Setting aside your own wishes just for the sake of the relationship is not always a good option. Sometimes you know important things that no one else knows. Plus, you count too!
If you harmonize too much, you cheat yourself. You also cheat the world of the unique contribution that only you can make by asserting yourself.
But in well-chosen situations, Harmonizing is a great gift to those you live and work with, and potentially you as well. I'll show you a handful of transition phrases to help you shift gracefully into this conflict response.
Harmonizing brings grace, kindness and flexibility into relationships. Longterm partnerships need generous amounts of this other-oriented conflict style to thrive. Without it, endless disputation will wear you out and leave little room for joy.
If you scored high in Harmonizing while taking Style Matters, you already know this stuff. If not, it's never too late to learn!
Choose your battles. A first principle of Harmonizing is that human beings have limited time and energy for disputation. Yes, well-managed conflict can transform and renew. But too much exhausts all involved. We should be choosy about what we take a stand on.
The ideal moment for Harmonizing is when you care a lot about the relationship and not so much about the issue (or your own goals) in contention. For example, friends deciding where to go for lunch, or partners considering which shade of white to paint a wall. Those issues don't matter enough to quarrel over!
Some people (usually high scorers in the Directing or Cooperating conflict style) seem to be wired to take every issue that comes along with great seriousness. This drives them to invest time and energy in things too trivial to merit the effort. If that's you, experiment with greater use of Harmonizing.
This is not rocket science. We all had to do a lot of Harmonizing to survive childhood!
The above is easy. It's not hard to be flexible when you don't care much about the issue. But it's harder when you do care about the issue, yet come to see that the other person cares more than you.
Exactly where you eat dinner might be a simple matter of convenience, cost, or taste for you. But for your partner it could be a matter of health. In a financial dispute, five hundred dollars might represent a few hours of work for one person, but for another it might mean days of labor.
Sometimes we only realize these things mid-way through negotiation. Then we need transition phrases for graceful course correction. How about one of these:
Then there are situations where you care a lot about the issues and in fact the needs of the other side don't seem persuasive. Yet you know it's very important to keep this person happy. Maybe you're in a job with a high power person you have to stay on the good side of. Or maybe disappointing a housemate or neighbor could disrupt a big piece of your life.
This is hard. It takes willpower! Transition phrases here:
Most people have had experiences of life in institutions where hierarchy and rank are a big factor in day-to-day life. Here being able to just "suck it up" and Harmonize even when you don't feel like can be an essential ability for survival. Still, sometimes you know things that need to be considered by others! In this case, you may be able to say this non-confrontationally, as "information we should bear in mind going forward," even as you signal your willingness to proceed on somebody else's terms.
Some people habitually dramatize the importance of their needs. If you're in a longterm partnership with such a person, watch out. If you set aside your own requirements whenever the dramatizer makes a case for the urgency of theirs, you'll end up over-Harmonizing. Those many small accommodations add up.
Harmonizing comes at a cost. Do not under-estimate its toll if it is all one way. You may be giving away things you can never recover - your health, your time, your self-respect, your values, your spirit. You may end up feeling you no longer know who you are. For a hilarious skit dramatizing what over-use of Harmonizing can look like, see this six-minute clip from Saturday Night Live. That video, by the way, also demonstrates many truly useful "softeners" that all of us should learn. They're funny when over-used, but quite effective in small doses at the right moment.
If you feel chronically trapped by habitual over-use of Harmonizing, reach out for support. You need conversation with others to get perspective. If you are over-harmonizing mainly with one person who is primary in your life, do a web search on "narcissistic personality disorder", a toxic pattern in which some people feed on the satisfaction they get from feeling better than or in control of others around them. Those in close partnerships with them rarely break free from the pattern without support. Discuss the situation with a trusted friend, a counselor, or a support group.
Monitor yourself for signs of burnout. There may come a time when you simply feel incapable of Harmonizing any longer. Try to figure out an exit strategy or ready yourself for a different response so you aren't permanently locked in.
The best rewards of Harmonizing come when both sides use it generously. This requires time, effort, and emotional maturity - it won't happen unless both sides actively think about the well-being of the other side and look for opportunities. Each must ask themselves: Is this issue one where giving in costs me little and benefits my partner a lot? When there is a balance of Harmonizing in many issues, both sides win frequently on things that matter. You can fuel this virtuous spiral with gratitude. Notice and appreciate it when your partner harmonizes. Both of you will benefit!
