Your Own AI Conflict Coach

Just upload your Score Report!

Worried about an upcoming conversation? You can easily set up instant, high quality AI support to prep for tough situations, simply by uploading your Style Matters score report into Notebook LLM. This new service from Google gives you the power of AI trained on you and your unique characteristics as reflected in your score report. You get bespoke guidance, not guesses from a blabbering bot drawing everything from its global database.

This is a remarkable resource of vast power that we would have paid a lot of money for two years ago, now available to you free. Skeptical? Good, that attitude will serve you well here! It's essential to bring careful human scrutiny into the picture to review the results.

A Real-Life Example

To experiment, I uploaded a score report - not my own - into the Notebook dashboard. Then I presented a situation I've been thinking about: "A woman at my church was unhappy with things I said recently in a meeting about events in Israel and Palestine. I have coffee with her tomorrow. I'd like to challenge her views but I don't want to further offend her. How to handle this?"

The bot replied as follows (not edited in any way by me):

Navigating a Sensitive Conversation

Based on your conflict style scores, you generally prefer Cooperating and Compromising styles when tensions rise. This suggests that you value open discussion and finding middle ground. [1, 2] However, the sources also caution against overusing these styles, as they can be time-consuming and may not be appropriate in every situation. [3, 4] Here's a breakdown of how your conflict styles and the provided insights might apply to this specific situation:

- - Acknowledge the Sensitivity: Recognize that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is deeply personal and emotionally charged for many people. Approach the conversation with humility and respect for the woman's views, even if you disagree. [Outside Source: Recognizing the deeply rooted nature of this conflict is crucial for productive dialogue. This is a widely acknowledged aspect of the conflict.]
  - Listen Actively: Begin by genuinely listening to her concerns and perspectives. Let her fully express her feelings without interruption (except to clarify). This will demonstrate respect and create space for her to feel heard. Active listening is a particularly effective way to engage with someone who favors a Cooperating style, as it shows a genuine interest in their viewpoint. [5]
  - Share Your Perspective: After listening carefully, share your own perspective in a calm and respectful manner. Focus on explaining your reasoning and motivations, rather than trying to "win" the argument. [Outside Source: Shifting the focus from winning to understanding can create a more constructive environment for dialogue.]
  - Seek Common Ground: Instead of focusing on changing her mind, try to find common values or goals you both share. This could be a shared concern for peace, justice, or human rights. Building on common ground can help bridge differences and create a more collaborative atmosphere. [2]
  - Be Mindful of Time: The sources highlight that those who favor Cooperating can have a high tolerance for lengthy discussions, while others might not. [6] Be mindful of the time and energy you're both investing. If the conversation becomes heated or unproductive, suggest taking a break or revisiting it at another time.
  - Accept Differences: Recognize that you might not be able to change her mind completely, and that's okay. The goal of the conversation should be to foster understanding and respect, even if you don't reach full agreement. [Outside Source: Accepting the possibility of ongoing differences can alleviate pressure and allow for a more authentic exchange.]

Remember, your conflict style scores provide valuable insights into your natural tendencies but don't dictate your actions. You can consciously choose the best approach for each situation. In this case, prioritizing active listening, respectful dialogue, and the search for common ground can help you navigate this sensitive conversation effectively."

Looking as a conflict resolution trainer at these suggestions, I recognize this as high-quality advice. If a colleague wrote a memo like that I'd say, "Well done!"

I wanted to make it harder for the bot. So I wrote: "Let me add: She is extremely pushy and self-focussed. She will talk my ear off and never give me a chance to get a word in edgewise if I'm not careful! What to do?" The bot replied as below. (When it says "the sources" it refers to the info I uploaded to the site, in this case only a score report. When it says [Outside Sources] it indicates it drew that information from the web.) The chatbot replied:

Managing a Conversation with a Pushy Person

Given the new information that this woman is very pushy and self-focused, you may need to adjust your approach to the coffee meeting. Here are some specific strategies to consider, combining your conflict style insights with the new challenge:

● Prepare for Interruptions: Since she tends to dominate conversations, anticipate that she might interrupt you frequently. Practice assertive but polite ways to regain control of the conversation. [Outside Source: Assertive communication techniques are helpful in managing conversations with individuals who tend to interrupt. You can find many resources online about assertive communication.]

For example, you could say:

○ "I understand your passion, and I'd like to share my perspective as well."

○ "Please allow me to finish my thought."

○ "I appreciate your point, and I want to add..."

● Set Boundaries Early: Establishing boundaries at the beginning can help manage the flow of the conversation. You might start by saying:

○ "I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts, and I also have some things I'd like to share. Perhaps we can take turns speaking."

○ "I have about 30 minutes for coffee. Let's make the most of our time by ensuring we both have a chance to speak."

● Use Time-Boxing: Consider setting time limits for specific topics to prevent her from monopolizing the conversation. For instance, you could say:

○ "Let's spend 10 minutes discussing your concerns, and then we can allocate another 10 minutes for me to share my perspective."

● Stay Calm and Focused: If she becomes overly assertive or dismissive, try to remain calm and avoid getting drawn into an argument. You can gently redirect the conversation back to your points by saying:

○ "I hear your frustration, but I'd like to return to..."

○ "Let's focus on finding some common ground."

● Re-evaluate Your Goal: Since the woman is known to be pushy and self-focused, it's important to re-evaluate your goal for the meeting. Changing her mind might be unrealistic. Instead, focus on:

○ Clearly communicating your perspective.

○ Ensuring she understands your viewpoint, even if she disagrees.

○ Finding areas of agreement, even if they're limited.

Remember: You have a high score in Cooperating in Storm situations, which means you naturally seek open discussion and mutual understanding.12 While this is a strength, you might need to adapt your approach with someone who is not as inclined to reciprocate this style. By combining your collaborative tendencies with assertive communication and boundary-setting, you can navigate this challenging conversation more effectively.

The sources do not specifically address dealing with people who are very pushy and self-focused. Therefore, the additional strategies mentioned above are based on general communication principles and are not directly derived from the sources."

Again, as a conflict resolution professional, I recognize that as high quality advice that would be hard to improve upon!

How to Set up your own Conflict Coach

If you've already taken Style Matters it takes literally about two minutes to setup your own dedicated conflict coach. Click here and then on "Try Notebook". If you have a Gmail account that you're presently logged in to, you'll land in your Notebook Dashboard. If not, you will have opportunity to login or create a new Gmail account if you don't have one.

Upload your Style Matters score report. This report comes to you as an email file sent at the time you take the assessment. Go to that email and open it. Then click on the big green Print button at top left of the email. That will give you an option to Print as PDF. Put the PDF in your Downloads folder, your Desktop, or any folder on your computer you can easily find.

When you know where your score report PDF is, return to your Notebook Dashboard and upload the PDF to the Dashboard as a Source. You're set!

To create an audio summary of your report. One of the fun things you can do is create a 10+ minute conversation about your score report that you can listen to. See a sample and instructions here.

To get advice about specific situations. Go to the text box at bottom of the page and describe your situation or question. Every answer will be shaped by your score report which you've uploaded.

Add additional sources. You don't need to add anything else, but the AI adjusts its responses to include or address whatever information you place in Sources. If you'd like you can easily add additional info to the Sources. For example:

Info about yourself. In the Sources section click on "Paste text". You could type here, "I am a 30 year old woman. One of my strengths is I am very analytical, but sometimes this is a disadvantage in negotiation with people who are very quick with words."
Your own writings. Maybe you've journaled about a struggle and have thoughts and feelings related to it. You could upload these as a text or PDF source.
Essay, scripture or poetry passages that speak to you.
Sources from the Style Matters web site. The "Graceful" series of blog posts, for example, contains a lot of specific, practical suggestions related to conflict styles. If there is a blog post there that you like, you could easily add a link to this post in the Sources. If there are six posts that you like, you must enter a separate link for each.

Create Experiential Learning

After your Notebook is set up you have powerful resources available that will work with you and help you grow in ways you'd like.

For example, after you've presented a difficult situation like the one I've describe above, you could do the following:

To get a clearer understanding of some point made by the bot, ask for specific examples. You could write in the prompt to the AI, "You wrote that I should 'be assertive but polite'. Spell that out further please and give me some examples of what it might sound like."
To get help in practicing something the AI recommends, you could say: "I'm not good at this. Please do a roleplay with me in which you take the part of my opponent and I need to practice my part in making this a constructive experience."
If the AI advice is unrealistic, you could say, "What you're saying won't work because.... Could you suggest other strategies?"
If you want to do more skill learning you could say, "I like the advice you're giving but I don't feel very skillful with the approach. Please suggest some related skills I could learn and some strategies for practicing them."

Other Stuff to Know about Notebook

I wrote earlier about using Notebook to create an audio file about your score report and you may want to read that as background. I also posted several audio files for listening to info about conflict styles.

AI has a deservedly questionable reputation at the moment, due in part to its tendency to "hallucinate", making stuff up out of whole cloth. This problem seems to be greatly reduced with Notebook, because the AI frames its response around the sources that you put in.

Nevertheless, I recommend a permanent attitude of skepticism regarding the products of AI, just as I recommend similar skepticism regarding the ideas, writing, or products of any smart, know-it-all human being. AI is astonishingly powerful, but it is a tool. We have amazing brains of our own. We should use them to vet info from all sources, both human and AI!

Finally, AI requires a lot of electricity. Its widespread use is already causing serious challenges to electrical power networks. Like all limited resources we should use it mindfully.